Our sources confirm that Iain Duncan Smith and George Osborne are uniting and joining the battle as an unlikely team. Smith was overheard discussing strategy with a press officer, stating “we are overcoming our Brexit differences and working together for a common goal. Yes, f***ing over the peasants Tom, the party can’t afford to fall apart on this one. Whether from the UK, Europe or further afield, we have an obligation to provide companies with more minimum wage workers on zero protection contracts”.
It has been strongly rumoured that George will run for leader, with IDS in line to become chancellor, because as George himself was overheard confessing, he is “a bit s*** with numbers”. His supporters confirm he is however a fantastic front man, especially after a bathroom break. There are concerns that the man who claimed he could live on £7 a day and then failed miserably is in fact not a lot better with finances, but he has been rumoured to have been practicing at his local Lidl.
The partnership came into creation after an unfortunate incident at the Carlton Club late on Friday afternoon. Smith popped in to have a gloat, and discovered George stuck in the bathroom. His head was wedged between the toilet cistern and cubicle wall as a result of a freak mishap involving a wet floor and some talcum powder. An unnamed source said he had been missing from his seat for several hours, but nobody had wanted to go and check because “you never know with George”. After taking stock of the situation, IDS allegedly pulled Osborne free and hoisted him into a fireman’s lift to carry him discreetly through the kitchens to the rear exit.
Smith made the snap decision to return to his own home with the semi-comatose chancellor because it is well known in certain circles that Mrs O “has had enough of this shit”. According to member of Smith’s household staff, it was actually his wife Betsy who formulated the plan. She allegedly told her husband he is so repugnant even she has to call George’s man for something “a little heavier” prior to going to bed with him. She allegedly told her husband “if people find Boris amusing enough to vote for, George after a couple of g’s of the Columbian stuff should knock ‘em dead”.
The chancellor confirmed in his speech this morning he would be announcing his intentions in the coming days.